Microwave Haute Couture

The basic way we cook hasn’t changed much since our cave dwelling ancestors charred mammoth steaks over an open fire. Modern gas barbecues and electric ovens still apply heat externally to the food in question, cooking the item from the outside in. Depending on the temperature you select, you can grill a rare steak or bake a soft-centred meringue. The possibilities are endless.

Then microwaves came along and allowed us to create rubbery meals in a fraction of the time. By exciting the fat and water molecules within the food, and not heating the air around it, the food cooks evenly throughout (or “from the inside out” as the advertisers like to tell us). While this method is great for reheating soup, anyone who’s nuked last night’s pizza knows this fixture’s limitations.

Speedy as they are, microwaves don’t do most food justice. Sure they can cook a potato in five minutes, but it has the texture of half-set drywall compound and leathery skin, so why bother? While I openly admit to using my my microwave to melt chocolate, reheat curry and defrost chicken, I would gladly give up this overrated gadget for more kitchen space — if it weren’t for the cruel Canadian winters. I can’t envision surviving five ice-edged months without a high powered microwave and my bean bags. Three minutes and I have a hot sack of legumes that warms my hunched shoulders or toasts my toes. I have the conventional tubular “Magic Bag” and bean-filled slippers. Now, although I can knit with the best of them, I’m not handy with a sewing machine. I’d have a better chance of flying the space shuttle to Mars than whipping up a pair of microwavable foot wear that didn’t look like radiated hedgehogs. But a neck warmer? Heck, even I can do that. Since this is a food blog, here’s my “recipe”:

Idiot-Proof Neck Warmer
Even though the original item costs about $20 in the store, you can make one for about $5. Competent sewers can whip one up in seven minutes. If you’re like me, before embarking on this project, clear your weekend and book an extra session with your therapist. If you make enough as gifts, you can apply your savings to the counselling costs.

• 1 18″ x 12″ piece of thick cotton or chintz (Be bold and make a statement with the fabric. Kittens, trains, ducks and even hearts are fine.)
• 1 kg (2 pounds) uncooked pearl barley
• 1 spool matching thread
• 1 serger or sewing machine (borrowed is fine)
• 1 broom and dust pan (just in case)
• 1 microwave

1. Fold the material in half lengthwise.
2. Sew or serge the cotton on three sides making an 18″ x 6″ tube, leaving one narrow end left open.
3. Carefully fill the tube with the barley. If barley spills, sweep it up with the broom and dust pan and try again. You’re not going to be eating this, so the five second rule doesn’t apply. Repeat until all beans are either in the bag or have fallen down the air vents.
4. Once the bag had been filled, sew or serge the open end shut.
5. Heat barley-filled bag for 3 minutes in the microwave on high.
6. Place heated bag around neck or under feet. Reheat as needed.

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